Skeletons Out Of The Closet....

I am now waiting for my dinner to digest a little more before I go for a shower. Reached home around 11:30 p.m. and had a very late dinner with mom coz my brother did not eat his share (still in emotionless mode) and so I have to gobble down half of the egg and most of the vegetables. Luckily my mom said the other dish (which I don't really like) can still be served tomorrow. So, sis, you will have the dish again for tomorrow's lunch eh..hahaa... *evil grin.

Feeling very tired, but I am sure I don't really have the right to say that 'I am tired' because I think my mom is even more tired. First, she needs to do the household chores, then cook our meals and then go for her flower arrangment sessions cum her other commitements and then back to household chores and then cook our meals and getting worried over my brother's recent heartbroken affair and then about my health. I am sure she's very very very tired and she just kept on doing, so what have I done to allow me to say 'I am tired'?

Reflections are very tiring. Perhaps that's why people don't really do any self-reflection during nowsaday, for it is always very tiring to evaluate your own doings at the end of each day. Most of the time, we hope that we've thought the correct thoughts, said the correct words and done the correct actions. Alas, at the end of the day, we would realise that we've thought all the incorrect thoughts, said all the incorrect words and done all the incorrection actions. And here comes the most tedious task...that is 'to feel guilty'.

Maybe, I am a little harsh on myself for I might not be doing anything bad to cause damage on the people I loved. On the other hand, I guess it's not 'doing anything bad' that made me feel guilty, but on the contrast, it's 'Not doing anything good enough' that is making me feel bad about myself.

I remembered during twelve years back, a senior always reminded not to let his behaviours fool us into thinking that he was a good man for he had been fighting with himself all the while and he could not guarantee that which side of himself would eventually win for he could only temporarily hold back his evil self and holding back wasn't really the final solution in this fight. So, he didn't deserve to be labelled as 'a good person' until he could let his evil self roams within his heart without causing any evil ripples in his thoughts.

I couldn't comprehend that part of conversation during that time, but now, as I encountered more and more self-struggling events during the past ten years and I foreseen more and not less to come in the next ten years, I gradually know the point that he was trying to deliver to us.

Holding back is not the absolute solution for holding back would mean 'restriction' and restrictions often stir up frustration and irriations. So, one shouldn't hold back when problem arises but to face it, anaylse it and solve it. Perhaps we might not be able to solve it during the first round, but failure doesn't mean that it's the end for it's the fearing of this factor that would make us 'hold back' in the first place.

Bit by bit, I am watching closely over my own desire. Bit by bit, I am controlling my own desire. Bit by bit, I am trying to dilute out my own desire. I don't really want to be labelled as 'a good person', I just want to be a person whom I won't have the desire to hate.

I want to earn the recognition from myself.