The reason behind the "ACTUAL REASON"....(DAMN MY EGO!)

I am getting butterflies inside my stomach again! Urghhh! I hate it because it is a sign that I am starting to worry about those 'what if' situations again.

Gosh! Why is my brain doing so many unnecessary pondering? Really wanted to scream into my head "STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!! STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!" but I just couldn't do it. It's one of those times when I hate the weakling side of myself.

Should I just take the reason as the actual reason and go as per normal, just that today would be the last day and I will gracefully and happily say goodbye at the end of the 2-hour sessions and never to step into that premise again.

Or

Should I call to tell her what's the point of going on since there won't be a next time again and then ask her to pass me the money via her sister?

Hmmmm....the second suggestion seems awful because who knows, that reason given might be the actual reason given? Haiz~ why on earth am I here making my life miserable unnecessarily? It's life...there's ups and downs! I keep telling people that and of course, constantly reminding myself this fact. But why can't I just accept it gracefully like some wise old woman? (That's because I am not old nor wise...hahahhaa....*sweatdrops*)

What could be the worst?

I know...it's my ego.

I hate it...but I can be egoistic sometimes....I hate it...but that would be me...an egoistic woman if not controlled properly.

That's probably why I am feeling miserable eversince that phone call...though I had agreed so gracefully and without any regrets...but deeply, my hidden ego is screaming out loud...wanting to know the truth behind the 'actual reason'.

Come on....why do I have to keep emphasizing on that 'ACTUAL REASON'? Urghh!!! Hate myself...hate it..hate it.....

.... ... . ... .. ..... ..... . . ..... hate it .. . . ....... .. ........ ..... ....... hate it... ....... hate it.....

The reason given would be the ACTUAL REASON....okay????

Face it...life is all about facing the consequence of one's action.

Face it...I might just not meeting up to her standard. Of course, I can give him a lot and a lot of homework (if that is what she wants in order to feel that her son has been fully tutored) but would that be a right thing to do??? Sometimes, doing the right thing might not be the right thing to do....this is just how things work...but I just stubbornly ignoring all these facts in life and naively thinking that I could work it out just fine...

Wait a minute...why am I keep thinking myself as a victim? Perhaps she is not what I think she is...and I am just here foolishly and evilly accusing of someone innocent and venting out my frustration via this blog?

Gosh! I really wanted to cry now upon reflecting my thoughts coz they were all soo soo negative....what should I do?

Oh god...help me...please....damn me....